{ Motherless Daughters } uniting those experiencing motherloss

Our Stories

Tricia's Story

My parents got divorced when I was about 3 or 4. My dad is an alcoholic and although I just started talking to him after not speaking to him for 4 years, we really have no relationship. My mom got breast cancer when I was in 6th grade and died when I was 15. The year before she died she underwent chemo. Since I lived with just her, during the weeks when she was sick I was basically left to fend for myself. I am an only child and wasn't close to anyone in my family though other than my mother so I learned to be independent and self sufficient at an early age. My mother's cancer spread to her pituitary gland the year before she died which caused her to have a lot of trouble seeing. Therefore, she taught me to drive when I was 14 so I could run errands, do the shopping, and take myself anywhere I needed to go. When my mom got sick and knew she was gonna die she arranged for me to live with her best friend and her husband. Although they are the most wonderful people I have ever met and have made incredible sacrifices in their life for me, it's still not a substitute for having my mother. When my mom died I think I was in denial. My grades never dropped and I continued to live my life as usual. I was a teenager and more than anything I just wanted to have a normal life, be a normal kid like all my friends.

If you would have told me at 15 how much my mother's death would affect my life I never would have believed it. When I was a sophomore in college, my boyfriend broke up with me and I was having a hard time dealing with life in general. It's then that I read "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edleman. It's the best book I have ever read. I seem to have the hardest time whenever I get out of relationships and I always go back and read parts of that book at that time. Since then I have had 3 serious relationships. I don't deal well with guys breaking up with me. It doesn't seem to matter how long the relationship has been or how good it was but I always end up with that same feeling that I am being abandoned again and that I will never feel secure in my life. Even when I am in relationships though, I feel myself constantly wondering when will he break up with me? I am always insecure in relationships. It's like that Alanis Morrisette song in which she talks about "all these little rejections." Everytime he doesn't call or doesn't say the right thing, it devestates me. I'm getting better now though because I recognize this now and I have the greatest friends in the world who let me share my feelings with them and offer me insights.

The thing I feel that I miss most about my mom now is that I never got to know her as an adult. My friends all have great relationships with their moms. They can talk to them about anything and it's so hard for me to see that and not feel sorry for myself. I wish so much that I could talk to my mom and ask her about things like the first time she fell in love, the first time she had sex, about having a baby and getting divorced. I wish I could get to know her as a person, not just a mom. I know it's a void in my life that will never be filled. I also feel so much regret that I didn't spend more time with her before she died but I have to forgive myself because I know I was just a teenager at the time.

At the same time though, I am beginning to appreciate everything I have gone through. I know that I appreciate the little things in life and I realize that our time on this earth is short so I try to make the most of it. I'm 28 now. It's been almost 13 years since my mom's death and not a day goes by that I don't think of her.

Š Tricia Calloway

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