Our Stories
Lisa's Story
When I was 8 years old, my mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I don't recall my parents sitting my brothers and I down and telling us, yet I knew my mother was sick and that it was big. My father traveled a lot with his job (he was a corporate attorney) and I never really felt at ease with my mother when he was gone. I felt that she needed us to be strong while he was away.
When I was 11 years old, my father and mother sat all three of us down and told us that they were separating. I remember I cried and no one else did. In fact, I remember being teased and being told I was too sensitive. My life would forever change with this event. I was the only girl, my father was leaving and it all was starting to fall to me. This was the beginning of me losing my childhood and becoming the adult in my mother’s life.
Over the course of the next 15 years, I became my mother’s primary emotional support, nurse, house keeper and bill payer. When my mother died in 1991 (I was 26) I was still in a place of “she was the best mother”, “she really loved me” and yet I kept seeing me not being able to get on and have a good life. The behaviors I learned being her caretaker were not working for me now that she was gone and I was in MY life.
Up until I got into therapy, I never felt like I lost a mother because I FELT like the mother. It was difficult for me to feel the feelings I had towards her and those feelings surprised me. Anger, resentment and a STRONG need for revenge for what was taken from me and never acknowledged by her.
The last time I saw my mother alive was when I was visiting her (a daily event) in the nursing home. I had just spoken to her doctor outside and asked him how much longer it would be. He said it could be two weeks or two years. I have never felt so frustrated in my life. Another two years was like NO WAY! I can’t do this anymore. I told my mother that day that I loved her and that I needed to take a break. The first time I set a boundary with her and she died two days later. I was not with her. I felt totally abandoned. I had been with her for 15 years and she left without me being with her.
During the late stages of my mother's illness, my father was diagnosed with AIDS. I was 24. By the time he was diagnosed he only had 5 T cells. I lost my father on March 25, 1990 and I lost my mother on November 21, 2001. I was only 26 by the time they were both gone.
Since my parents deaths, I have gone through many changes and what an amazing journey it has been and continues to be. What I have learned is that I can heal my past and my loss by being in my present day. My parents are no longer with me and I am still given opportunities to grow as a person and to become my own person through other people and situations I encounter. Life has not fogotten me. It has been very hard at times and I have said to myself " I didn't break me and I am the one that has to fix me" and if anyone can get past that and really focus on themselves, life becomes amazing and there are plenty of blessing to be had.
I have been able to re-build relationships with my brothers. I am no longer the "mother figure" and I have an amazing relationship with my niece and nephew (12 and 8). I get to give to them what wasn't given to me and I receive so much from that experience. I get to improve the quality of relationships for a future generation.
Through my experiences (pre and post loss), I have learned how to become more resilient and I am an individual. The loss of my parents and my time with them is a double edged sword. There are times when all I want is my mom and dad, for things to have been different, and for life to stop reminding me of what I lost and then there are times when I experience the deep meaning it has brought to my life and all the new gifts and blessings. So on the difficult days I will take time to honor myself with a good cry and express my anger in my journal and on good days I am happy and content with where I am at and with what's to come....
Lisa Salazar
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