{ Motherless Daughters } uniting those experiencing motherloss

Our Stories

Kasaundra's Story

My mother was a beautiful person. She suffered in one way our or another from the time I can remember until the time of her death. December 27. 1986. She was only 44 years old. She died from heart failure as a result of cancer. The cancer started as breast cancer then spared to her skin, brain, spinal cord; it basically ate her up. We thought she was getting better. She still couldn’t go to the bathroom on her own but she could walk again with the use of a cane. A moth before she had been in a wheelchair. The night before she died she had had my brother to wake me up at 5:00 am so I could clean her up where she had messed on her self. While I was cleaning her that night (it was taking all I had not to throw up) I accidentally bumped a bedsore, she took in a sharp breath; indicating that it hurt, and I kind of hollered at her that I was doing the best I could. I immediately told her I was a sorry and fighting tear. Thank god I told her I loved her and to holler if she needed any thing else, as I was leaving the room. I still feel guilty about that to this day. Actually guilt is no the word for it. Anyway, the next morning my sister managed to wake me in time to see mom walking out the door to go to her, at that time, daily radiation treatment. I hollered and told I loved her and would see her later. You have to understand at that time in my life telling someone I loved him or her was very hard for me. But on with the story. That was the last time I saw her alive. Later that day her van driver pulled into the yard and told us she was in the hospital. She has started having breathing difficulty on the way home. When they got to the local hospital she took her to the er the then sent her via ambulance back to the big city hospital. The Van driver was going back to the city and offered for us to ride with her. I stayed at home to baby-sit my sister’s yea two-year-old daughter. Mom died that night. Due to the fact that we had no home phone at the time, we didn’t find out till the next morning. My sister said momma asked about me that night. Everyday I wonder if died thinking I didn’t care.

I felt so guilty because I know I could have done more for her than I did. I was 24 at the time, in a physically; as well as, mentally abusive relationship. There were times that I felt like I put my wants and needs before hers and I think I will live in shame and guilt for the rest of my life. Especially knowing all the hell she went through raising us.

She and my dad divorced when I was 9 almost 10 years old. Even now I feel responable for that, but that is a whole other story, lol. He never helped her financially so she raised us on her own. I can remember on thanks giving I was sitting on the porch watching her walk to her third job in the sleet. This was an attempt to stay off welfare. We did pretty well for a while even though I know she was mentally as well a physically exhausted. But of course that didn’t last long even though I was 14 at the time and very mature some one called welfare on her for leaving us at home alone. What was she to do? Even with three jobs she paid the bills and kept us feed and clothed but there was nothing left for childcare or such. She tried to make it on just one job but that didn’t work either. So; alas, we wound up on welfare. When I was 15 almost 16 we experienced a house fire in this fire mom got 3rd and 2nd degree burns over 85% of her body. While she was laying in the hospital fighting for her life she had to fight to keep us kids together. There were four of us. Luckily a family member took us in and with the help of other family and the community and churches they were able to keep us till mom got out and recovered enough for us to get our own place again. Dad actually started helping a little. We didn’t get to see him (he lived hundreds of miles away and had his own new family at the time), but he did help a little. About a year later he died. Maybe it is childish of me but some days I still get so mad at god for the way things turned out for her. You hear all your life if you work and treat people right you will have your rewards. Well I think my mom got cheated.

This was a woman who would let people she didn’t even like live in our home so they wouldn’t be homeless. Up until circumstances and her burns forced on in to welfare she worked all her life. I remember her walking 5 miles into town to get Tylenol for a neighbor who was in pain. Why did she deserve to be left at age 30 with 4 kids to rear alone? Why did she deserve to get burned severely twice in her life? Why did she deserve to lose both her parents before the age of 40? Why did she deserver to get a fatal disease and die at age 44 after being a medical experiment (I believe) just because she didn’t have money and was on medicade?

I miss her so much she DID NOT deserve it. Id give any thing if she were still here.

© Kasaundra

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