{ Motherless Daughters } uniting those experiencing motherloss

Our Stories

Janelle's Story

My story begins in 1965 when my father (Ron) married my Mother (Shirley) he was 34 and she was 28 which for the 60's could probably be said as being older. From what information I have she was the love of his life. My mother had a difficult pregnancy with high blood pressure problems and I was induced on 25th August 1966 6 weeks premature weight 3pound 2. Shirley's mother Nellie (my grandmother) had died when she was 44 and my mother was only 12. So I am told that she had longed for a daughter herself to forge the mother daughter bond. Due to my early arrival I was kept in hospital to gain weight etc.. After 6 weeks they were finally going to be allowed to take me home. So my parents had visited me the night before , and decided to get fish and chips for dinner on the way home. My mother had complained of a headache so my father went in to get the fish and chips and on his return he found her dead in the car. To understand the grief that this must have caused is undescribable. To my knowledge it was undecided who would bring me up. My mother's sister had 4 children of her own and could not possible do it so my Father's mother (my grandmother Kath)at 60 years of age moved in and began the job of raising a child. The death of my mother has never really been discussed with my by my father who like a lot of men of that era could be said as being emotionally challenged. To this day he has only once spoken to me about her and that was on my wedding day His words " Your mother would be so proud" which turned me into a blubbering mess.

So for the next 6 years my grandmother brought me up and I was really non the wiser that I was any different to any other children. It was when I started school that I worked out that I was different but simply just took this in my stride. The following year my father met a lovely lady and married again. Her name is Marie and she had 3 children from a previous marriage. Her youngest was 10 years older than me and off her hands so they had never lived with me. I would think that it was special to have a "Stepmother" and welcomed her into my life.

My school years went on my grandmother continued to live with Marie and Ron and myself and I had a fairly uneventful childhood, teenager years except for the usual teenage rebellion then I met a wonderful man and got married. Being an only child I have always been independent,strong willed and confident.

I would probably describe my relationship with Marie as being a distant friendship we both love the same person but we have never really what I imagine is the mother daughter bond. She is of the old school doesn't like to shop, not interested in going for coffee and I find myself introducing her as my dads wife's making it very clear she is not my mother.

My father could be described as a mans man he never has spoken about my mother, although I have questioned him on the odd occassion he say I dont want to talk about that it was so long ago. Much to my sadness.

I had always thought perhaps I would have that bond with my mother law but that has been disappointing . She is an older woman who has not been involved in our relationship very much at all. I can not really say a bad word about her expect that she is a boys mothers (does that make sense) I once tried to get closer to her but she is not that type of woman.

After my marriage my husband and I moved to another state about 10hrs drive away so the distance grew bigger. 9 years ago I had my first child a boy who was soon followed 2 years later by a girl my life is perfect I thought. I can finally have the bond with a daughter that I never experienced.

Although I was busy I seemed to have more time on my hands to spend with friends and other mothers and then it hit me out of no where.... I would listen to them saying mum's coming over to help, I'm going shopping with mum, mums minding the kids, mum bought us this etc etc etc.... and the grief I experienced was enormous I got angry its just so unfair I thought.. when things were and aren't going right I long for someone to say it will be alright? Or how are you going Darling? To turn to when I am unsure, to get an unbiased opinion or some advice. I sometimes go shopping and find myself spotting the mothers with their daughers and it makes me well up with tears. Is it possible to grief for someone you never knew? Or am I grieving for the perfect mother?

I do sometimes feel a presence around me and wonder is that really her? I miss my mother relationship more than anything in the world . I feel that although this grief is somewhat new (I am 38 years old) it will be part of my life forever and no-one can really understand the longing for a mother like a motherless daughter.

Love to all who can relate to this.

Š Janelle

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