{ Motherless Daughters } uniting those experiencing motherloss

Our Stories

Heather's Story

I am currently a college student at the University of Central Florida. I am 19 years old and it has been 10 months since my mother's passing. It was September 10th of 2003 when my mother was killed in a head on car collision. This day was also the day my world ended.

I know my world didn't really end, but it just seems like that most of the time. Me and my mom, as some like to say, were attached at the hip.

She was my best friend, my support system, my love, my world..... we were the only mother/daughter team that I knew of who would walk hand-in-hand or with our arms wrapped around each other hugging while walking, in public. I was the only one of my friends who still slept in my mom's bed every chance I got. We called each other at least 3 times a day. She lived for me and I lived for her...

The day she died I actually got to speak to her, I'm guessing, a few minutes before the crash. She was on her way home from work, she was a Catholic School teacher, and she called me to see how my day was. She wanted to catch me before my night class. All seemed fine and we hung up the phone and I went off to class. When I got home from school my boyfriend was in my apartment crying. I asked him what was wrong and he told me to call my dad. My first reaction was that my dad's dad had died, my grandfather was really sick and the fact that I was asked to call my dad made sense. The thought of my mother never crossed my mind. When I kept asking my boyfriend if it was my grandfather he would only reply with, "call your dad." Finally I got it out of him that it was my mother.

I swear I didn't believe it. I couldn't believe that my boyfriend and father would say something so mean to me. I was in total shock and refused to let it sink in or believe it. Finally after hearing my father cry for only the 3rd time in his life, I knew it had to be true. I fell to the floor, screamed, cried, threw things..... My world was over! I was so incredibly hurt, my ultimate worst fear had just come true. I was overcome with pain, fear, disbelief, horror and guilt.

After I hung up the phone with my mom that day, I had a feeling like I should have called back, like there was something else I should have said. But, I didn't. I was actually annoyed the first time she called and cut the conversation short. How dare I!

My mother's funeral was surreal. There were at least 500 people at the wake and 800 at the funeral. I spent four hours standing there, being the pillar of strength for everyone and listening to all of their stories and to all of them cry. But no one was strong for me. And no one let me cry. I grew to have an intense hate for the world and all of the people in it.

Soon, that anger turned to violence. After I broke my hand by punching tile flooring and my windshield from punching it and put a few holes in the wall, it was clear that I had lost my mind. Even though I could function and maintain Dean's List in school, it felt as if I was going crazy and there was no one there to help. I also felt very WORTHLESS. I felt like a burden on people, I felt like everyone had gotten over her death and I just couldn't, or maybe, wouldn't.

My mother's death has affected me in ways no one could imagine. Even after all the anger and violence was in check, I was still screwing up left and right. I looked for support, answers, a break from reality, anywhere I could. I ended up wasting money, sleeping with random guys, and falling into drugs. I ended up getting arrested, which was actually the best thing for me. I truly believe my mother was responsible for my arrest, I was killing myself ... not literally, but the drugs were destroying my body and my mind and heart were already gone...

Soon after my arrest, my father and I actually had a real conversation. My dad was just as bad as me.... sleeping around, getting drunk every night and throwing money away. He couldn't deal, but pretended to be ok. How could he deal.... a widower at the age of 48? His wife who he knew for over 30 years was suddenly gone. It was nice to know that he still wasn't ok and that it was ok that I wasn't still ok.

I finally started counseling. It has been great. And I quit the drugs, and I feel so good about it! But I know that this hard and winding road is not even close to its end. Every thing in my life somehow relates back to my mother, and it always will. I lost my mom at 18, how could it not? I still need her and I still love, as I always will. The pain and the tears are still here; I don't think I will ever go a week without waking up at least one day and crying for no reason.

My best advise for anyone who is going through this is: Never turn down a hug! I know it sounds lame but, hugs really do work. Also, let the grief run its course.... don't let others force it, or you. And definitely, get rid of those people in your life who really are NOT there for you. Don't be afraid to make the conversation uncomfortable with a mention of your mother. People will learn to deal, or they will disappear.... most likely the latter, but so what. They aren't true friends anyway. Death sucks! Life after death sucks! But, please believe me, death is not the end..... life will go on and yes, it will suck for a very long time, but its nothing we can't handle, especially together......

Š Heather Gamage

Ť back