{ Motherless Daughters } uniting those experiencing motherloss

Our Stories

Colleen's Story

My name is Colleen and I am 22 years old. I was reading the story about the girl who lost her mother and I thought maybe it would help me grieve a little more if I told mine.

My mom and I never got along and it started at about the age of eight. My mom's alcohol and cigarettes were more important to her. I remember having to go up to my mother to ask for a hug or a kiss just to be turned away from her because she didn't want to be bothered. I remember nothing but the bad times because that's all that there was for me very seldom were there good times between us. I remember all the mental and physical abuse that my mother gave me. All the tears that I've tasted because she would be screaming that she hates me or I wasn't her daughter.

The last time I saw my mom was February of this year she was in a hospital because she tried to kill herself. Oh but this was like the fifth time she tried and once again was unsuccessful. Once again someone was there to save her before her body actually shut down. See my mother did what she did for attention my mom was an actress so says my Nannie but I believe it because my mom would call me from work to put the blame on me. The last thing I said to my mom was if your going to kill yourself make sure you succeed next time.

Two months ago I received a phone call from work from my Poppa (grandfather) I knew that something was wrong just from the tone of his voice. He said Colleen I'm sorry to have to tell you this but your mom has passed away. From that moment my heart broke in two I was very frantic and I told him that I would have to call him back. I ran to my supervisor's office the tears were just running down my face. He asked me what was wrong and all I could say was that my mother has passed away and then I fell to the floor and just said someone please help me. My sister was a work also her name is Stacey and she is 18 years old. My boss was able to get me up into a chair and calm me down a little. I knew that I had to though because I was the one that had to tell my sister. It just seemed so not real like a bad dream. My boss didn't want me driving anywhere so a friend at work drove me to my best friends house so that I could wake her up because I couldn't do it alone. All I could do was cry my friend got up while my friend that drove me there waited in the car. I went to where my sister was but what was told to her was there was a family emergency. So when I got out of the car and she ran over to be tears already in her eyes because she knew it was something bad. At that moment my sister and I became so close. It was the most hurtful thing that I would ever have to tell her that our mother passed away all I could do was hold her and cry with her I was relieved that we were there for each other. From there we left to go back to my sister's house and then we just stayed there till her father came home which he left early. We called our Nannie & Poppa on the phone and they asked if we were ok I think everyone was really shocked they didn't know what to think. After we got off the phone with them I told my sister that last night for some reason I felt really sick like I was going to throw up around 9:30 - 10pm I thought it was just something that I ate so I went and laid on the bathroom floor. It usually just makes me feel better but this time the feeling was just not going away. I remember saying out loud that I want my mom you know when your sick and you just want your mom. Shortly after I was done fighting throwing up the feeling went away but I still felt weird something was wrong and I didn't know what it was. I went to the kitchen to get a drink and then I just went back to bed to wake up go to work and find out that my mom was gone. My sister just looked at me cried even harder and threw the paper towel holder across the room at around the same time the night before my sister had the same feelings as I did. I believe till this day that my sister and I were feeling what our mother was feeling as she was slipping away. When our mom finally passed on we became fine like nothing ever happened. Stacey and I had so much that we had to do to going to my mom's apartment, to picking out a funeral Home, to what she was going to wear, To what we wanted her to be cremated in we picked a blue cremation box. My mom didn't want to be on display but because my mom alienated herself from the family and us we thought it would be good for everyone to see her one last time.

After all was said and done and the autopsy report came back it said that my mom died from Multiple Drug Toxity which means that my mom committed suicide. Know I have to live for the rest of my life knowing that I said to her if you are going to kill yourself make sure you succeed next time. My mom left me before we could work things out and maybe even have an relationship. Her dying has taught me that life is very short and you shouldn't take anything for granted because you have no idea when it's going to be your time to go. I love my mom very much and there isn't a second, minute ,or hour that doesn't go by that I don't think to myself what could I of done differently. I have grown up so much and when it's time for me to be a mother I'm going to be the best mother there is and pray that my mom is looking down at me and smiling because I've become what she couldn't. I know that I will make her proud because even though we had are tough times my mom loves me very much and I want her to know that I love her too she will always be a part of my heart and soul and I will take her with me where ever I go.

Š Colleen

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